While going through and trying to find myself and figure out what the heck is going on with life and how I feel about things I decided to go back and see a therapist. I was hesitant of going in Utah. I went in Arizona and really liked that she was not of the same faith as me. Sometimes having the same faith makes it hard.
It makes it hard because sometimes what I feel is not exactly how someone in the same faith feels. Faith to me is a very personal thing and through the trials and situations that I have been in, I feel it changes. I don't like having blind faith. I like having a for sure understanding of what I am doing and looking at. In our faith that isn't what people like to hear. So when venting my feelings or my actions I feel as though they are judging me and my faith.
Anyway, she gives me assignments to do during the week. One of the weeks was just to keep busy. So I tore apart my table and have been working on it and sanding and painting it. ( I only have one more part left!!) The next was helping me set up boundaries.
I need the boundaries to cushion myself against getting hurt. Meaning I feel as though I try to give and give and when it isn't reciprocated ( and not just by what I think should be done, but OBVIOUS to others reciprocated) that I feel hurt and upset and then don't know how to deal. So instead of giving, to take the time to set up boundaries that I need and want.
One of those boundaries is to not put myself in a situation where I would be hurt and not feel accepted. Which means I might just make the choice to not do or go somewhere. It is my choice and there is a reason for the choice and it is my right to say that I will or won't do a certain thing because of that particular boundary.
It has made it so that I don't push to attend Sunday dinner. And in turn they haven't tried to contact or come here. I don't want certain people on my facebook so I haven't' requested because I don't want the rejection. I want them to come to me and want to be with me. In turn it has made me be more aware of what is going on and then to realize that i don't need or want what is going on when I don't go.
If I don't go to an event I would worry that I was the topic of conversation. D is helping me realize that I am not. I MIGHT be but we won't know cause we don't go. So there are still insecurities but I need to stay firm in my boundaries so I don't feel taken advantage of.
I really feel with the boundaries that I have set the ball is in the other people's court not mine. I have done all I can.
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