Lots have happened

I kinda went my own way this past few months. From July till now our world has been turned upside down. We are having baby #2 and things on the family front are as different as ever!

We went unplugged

I am going to try to shove in a little post before or in hopes of getting my butt moving to clean the house. We took off for the weekend and was completely unplugged. Of course the over the top clean up AFTER almost put a damper on my weekend. I am YET all done. But I will be.

While going through and trying to find myself and figure out what the heck is going on with life and how I feel about things I decided to go back and see a therapist. I was hesitant of going in Utah. I went in Arizona and really liked that she was not of the same faith as me. Sometimes having the same faith makes it hard.

It makes it hard because sometimes what I feel is not exactly how someone in the same faith feels. Faith to me is a very personal thing and through the trials and situations that I have been in, I feel it changes. I don't like having blind faith. I like having a for sure understanding of what I am doing and looking at. In our faith that isn't what people like to hear. So when venting my feelings or my actions I feel as though they are judging me and my faith.

Anyway, she gives me assignments to do during the week. One of the weeks was just to keep busy. So I tore apart my table and have been working on it and sanding and painting it. ( I only have one more part left!!) The next was helping me set up boundaries.

I need the boundaries to cushion myself against getting hurt. Meaning I feel as though I try to give and give and when it isn't reciprocated ( and not just by what I think should be done, but OBVIOUS to others reciprocated) that I feel hurt and upset and then don't know how to deal. So instead of giving, to take the time to set up boundaries that I need and want.

One of those boundaries is to not put myself in a situation where I would be hurt and not feel accepted. Which means I might just make the choice to not do or go somewhere. It is my choice and there is a reason for the choice and it is my right to say that I will or won't do a certain thing because of that particular boundary.

It has made it so that I don't push to attend Sunday dinner. And in turn they haven't tried to contact or come here. I don't want certain people on my facebook so I haven't' requested because I don't want the rejection. I want them to come to me and want to be with me. In turn it has made me be more aware of what is going on and then to realize that i don't need or want what is going on when I don't go.

If I don't go to an event I would worry that I was the topic of conversation. D is helping me realize that I am not. I MIGHT be but we won't know cause we don't go. So there are still insecurities but I need to stay firm in my boundaries so I don't feel taken advantage of.

I really feel with the boundaries that I have set the ball is in the other people's court not mine. I have done all I can.

Day 4-

I have no witty tittle. Today I did our chores and then put on a movie for the T. I knew the movie was 30 minutes giving me at least 15 minutes to read my scriptures. Then to pray and hop in the shower. Taking the time in the shower to ponder and think.

I came up with Nothing... Not a thought or a feeling just a do. Keep Doing.

So we have been doing just that. Just Doing.

Guess we need a chance to invite our family to do a family fast, Us fast and us be ready to work hard to get any kind of answer. Personal prayer is been a HUGE thing for me today. I need to make sure I get to have my own prayer and our family prayer.

Day 3- Do you know?

So the question of the day

1. Do you know how to get answers to prayers, how to receive personal revelation?

You say a prayer and you wait and listen. And then repeat if you are unsure. Personal revelation comes as your start to understand and get your answers that you are praying over.

However,with prayer comes fasting and prayer and more fasting and prayer.

What it means to me? I need to take the issue at hand. The ONE biggest issue I have and take it to the Lord. Offer it as a my fasting prayer. I need an answer for this ( insert questions) and pray, ponder and wait. Attend the temple and then ask again.

What a toughy when you don't want to give up control!

So challenge for me : Attend the Temple before the end of the week. Either WITH D or not,

Day 2- A Slow start

Today I had the intention to get my temple clothes out, press them and maybe head out for a late session. When I got my dress on it didn't fit! I guess 5 years and a baby makes things not so ..hmmm... HOT! So I was a little discouraged. I got the information how to wash all our stuff and will have them all put together so I can make it to a session sometime this week.

I have lots of things I want to go with in my mind and heart. The obvious one- is it the right time? Are we doing all we can? Help me feel at peace with what will happen.

The rest is just to quietly and in my head pour my heart and feelings out to Him. The only place I feel like I am THAT much closer is there.I need to be there.

I have been resorting back to the Continue in Patience talk and find little things that make me realize I am doing pretty good but others.. Those I want to work on.

*Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace.*

Day 1- where do I start

I have been given a MILLION talks from LDS leaders in the last 2 days. I know what I need to learn to get to the point I need and want to be at. So I am taking my Mission President's advice and I am writing things down. What did I learn today? How did I find it? What am I going to do next?

What did I see God's hand in? Taking a little bit of time and figuring out what I saw and what I See is really hard for me right now. I want to have to much control over what goes on. I have found that because of this control, I am getting angry at things that go wrong because I can't control them.

So today I had my sisters kids. What I found was that I had patience. I had love for them. A genuine love. I was able to keep relative control and was VERY calm with them. They made my day joyful. I am thankful that they had my house bursting at the seams. It made me smile.

I know that I am a good mom. I have a MILLION activities that I want to do with Tyler and they are just floating around my house. When I add 3 more kids, some water and LOTS of paint we have fun. The end of the day comes and I fill Completely fulfilled.

What I saw God's hand is : Patience, Love, and the knowledge that I am a good mom. That I do "deserve" another child.

What I struggled with today: The knowledge that I am a good mom and deserving a child because I can't seem to be able to get that one. But that is what we are working for.

Faith, acceptance, Trust and letting go.

Onto day 2